He'd lean hunched over his work, old but still strong hands pushing the needles in and out of the leather of the bridle. Over and over. His hands stained with dye and laced with scars. He'd talk to himself, as he worked, most of the time I think he forgot I was ever there watching. I'd watch him for hours, fascinated watching whatever he was making take shape.
Peggy would be curled up in the corner, sleeping until the moment he moved. Then she'd look up to make sure he wasn't going anywhere before settling back down. She wasn't a pretty dog, he called her a blue leopard cur. I think she was a catahoula mix of some sort. She showed her years of hunting by his side. Brownie, funny little dog she was, would wander in and jump up my my lap sometimes. I never quite figured out how a chihuahua and a beagle would manage to breed.
The shop had a smell you would always recognize. Leather, dye, contact cement, and an oily metallic smell from the sewing machines and other strange devices he used. For the rest of my life that smell will be the most comforting smell in the world. My grandfather's shop.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Empathy
I'm glad I keep this blog around for the rare times I need to write something in a longer format that doesn't belong on my other blogs. This is going to be pretty personal and about some stuff I don't discuss much with anyone, so here goes.
I have Aspergers, this is now considered just part of the autism spectrum with the new DSM but I think it's a handy descriptor for a certain subset of autism. Supposedly Adam Lanza, the shooter at Sandy Hook Elementary School, also had Aspergers (however after Aurora that was also being thrown around about James Holmes and turned out to be false so I'm taking it with a grain of salt until more reliable information is available). This has led to a mountain of misinformation about Aspies, especially about Aspies and empathy. Including claims that Aspies lack empathy entirely, which makes us out to sound cold and unfeeling. I've seen some blogs covering these mosconceptions already but I'd like to share the perspective from inside my head.
I do not lack empathy or emotions. In fact I can often be overly emotional about situations many people would brush off, for example hunting for silver garland for the Christmas tree at 7 different stores because the tree just wouldn't be right without it. If your cat dies I'm going to empathize and offer you hugs or ask how I can help. However unless you are actively crying in front of me I'm likely to not realize you're sad if you don't tell me.
The problem is that I'm not good at reading how other people feel without explicitly being told. I can learn how to read people with enough time, I do a pretty decent job with my parents and my brother because I've known them my whole life. The same goes for my best friend who I've known since we were both about 5 years old (25 years). The longer I'm with my boyfriend the better I am at reading his emotions but 3 years isn't really long enough, we still run into situations where we misread each others emotional states (he misreads me, like many people do, because I'm not always expressive in a typical manner and will shut down when I'm emotionally overwhelmed).
I like to be social, and I try but my inability to understand non-verbal cues can be a problem. For example, I don't know when people want a conversation to stop or when to let people in and I can go off on tangents. I try to focus as much as I can when having a conversation but it's difficult, especially when I'm in a place with lots of other people or background noise. One-on-one is easier. When I was in school (and had no idea why I was so different) I often coped by just not participating unless it was related to schoolwork, because I liked school and learning. I still would rather read about how chromataphores in cephalopod skin work than go to a social space like a bar.
I'm not good at verbally explaining how I feel, often I don't know how immediately and it can take a while for me to figure out why I'm feeling the way I do and be able to explain it. I can write it because it's just me and my computer with no time limit on working out my thoughts.
None of this makes me a violent person. None of this makes me dangerous. None of this makes me mentally ill. All it does is make my interactions with other people and the world a little bit different. If Adam Lanza had Aspergers it's not what made him shoot all those people. I don't know what the root of the level of rage he must have had to kill so many people was, we may never know, but don't make people like me the scapegoats for what is a problem with our culture. Aspergers exists all over the world, but the US sees the majority of killings like this. Why?
I have Aspergers, this is now considered just part of the autism spectrum with the new DSM but I think it's a handy descriptor for a certain subset of autism. Supposedly Adam Lanza, the shooter at Sandy Hook Elementary School, also had Aspergers (however after Aurora that was also being thrown around about James Holmes and turned out to be false so I'm taking it with a grain of salt until more reliable information is available). This has led to a mountain of misinformation about Aspies, especially about Aspies and empathy. Including claims that Aspies lack empathy entirely, which makes us out to sound cold and unfeeling. I've seen some blogs covering these mosconceptions already but I'd like to share the perspective from inside my head.
I do not lack empathy or emotions. In fact I can often be overly emotional about situations many people would brush off, for example hunting for silver garland for the Christmas tree at 7 different stores because the tree just wouldn't be right without it. If your cat dies I'm going to empathize and offer you hugs or ask how I can help. However unless you are actively crying in front of me I'm likely to not realize you're sad if you don't tell me.
The problem is that I'm not good at reading how other people feel without explicitly being told. I can learn how to read people with enough time, I do a pretty decent job with my parents and my brother because I've known them my whole life. The same goes for my best friend who I've known since we were both about 5 years old (25 years). The longer I'm with my boyfriend the better I am at reading his emotions but 3 years isn't really long enough, we still run into situations where we misread each others emotional states (he misreads me, like many people do, because I'm not always expressive in a typical manner and will shut down when I'm emotionally overwhelmed).
I like to be social, and I try but my inability to understand non-verbal cues can be a problem. For example, I don't know when people want a conversation to stop or when to let people in and I can go off on tangents. I try to focus as much as I can when having a conversation but it's difficult, especially when I'm in a place with lots of other people or background noise. One-on-one is easier. When I was in school (and had no idea why I was so different) I often coped by just not participating unless it was related to schoolwork, because I liked school and learning. I still would rather read about how chromataphores in cephalopod skin work than go to a social space like a bar.
I'm not good at verbally explaining how I feel, often I don't know how immediately and it can take a while for me to figure out why I'm feeling the way I do and be able to explain it. I can write it because it's just me and my computer with no time limit on working out my thoughts.
None of this makes me a violent person. None of this makes me dangerous. None of this makes me mentally ill. All it does is make my interactions with other people and the world a little bit different. If Adam Lanza had Aspergers it's not what made him shoot all those people. I don't know what the root of the level of rage he must have had to kill so many people was, we may never know, but don't make people like me the scapegoats for what is a problem with our culture. Aspergers exists all over the world, but the US sees the majority of killings like this. Why?
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Right and Wrong ways to Hit on a Woman at a Con
Wow, it's been a long time since I've written in this blog. However I wanted to write about my experience at PortCon that has nothing to do with my art or jewelry and is related to the issues being discussed in the atheist/skeptic communities related to TAM and other skeptic cons. PortCon is not atheist/skepticism related, it's a gaming and anime convention in Portland, Maine. I was there this weekend participating in the Artists' Alley so this was a work situation for me though also very fun (and I made a lot of money).
Two contrasting things happened while I was working my table which are relevant to the discussion on harassment and proper behavior at cons. One is an acceptable way to approach a woman at a con and the other is a wrong way to do it. First the right one:
A man, around my own age or maybe a little younger, came up to my table. He really liked my work, asked me about why I create the pieces I do and how long they take to make and we chatted about it for a while, he took one of my business cards (which has my number) and before he left he told me he thought I was very pretty and had sexy lips. Definitely one of those moments that makes me consider the merits of polyamory.
And now the wrong one: A man in his 40s (I mention this to point out he was more than old enough to know better not because I have an issue with older guys, my boyfriend will be 39 in a couple months) kept repeatedly coming up to my table to talk to me about the most random things. I think in an attempt to find something I was interested in. Nothing in what he said was inappropriate but his persistence was (every 2-3 hours over 3 days). He kept returning after both I and my friend Dany made it very clear he wasn't welcome. I didn't report him but I was very close to doing so if his comments had elevated from annoying and random to sexual or otherwise upsetting in any way.
Okay so what in these two situations made them different? Are there times that comment about my lips would be inappropriate? Of course. However after chatting for a little while and gauging if the other person shows signs of interest (and I did, he was my physical type) is an okay time to do that. If some random guy, no matter how attractive, had sprung that on me cold it would not have gone over well. It's okay to hit on people at cons after having some interaction with them first and not using any pressure tactics (this means: don't corner them, stop if asked, and otherwise treat them as a human being and not meat). What is not okay is repeatedly approaching someone who is not interested and has no way to retreat, I was working my table I couldn't just leave the con (I was barely able to leave my table to eat and use the bathroom) because I agreed to be there the whole weekend and had several thousand dollars worth of merchandise with me.
It's frustrating to me that some people don't respect others enough to care whether the attention is wanted or not. I shouldn't have to worry about being harassed at an event where I am working and unfortunately regardless or whether an event has a harassment policy it's likely to happen. The difference is that when there is a harassment or conduct policy in place people who are harassed have a means of recourse. I'm glad my experience at PortCon was overwhelmingly positive and the negative bits didn't rise to the level of needing to involve the security staff but I was glad to know they were around and available. If I didn't have that assurance I'm sure I'd have felt a lot less safe even in such a crowded area as the Artists' Alley.
Two contrasting things happened while I was working my table which are relevant to the discussion on harassment and proper behavior at cons. One is an acceptable way to approach a woman at a con and the other is a wrong way to do it. First the right one:
A man, around my own age or maybe a little younger, came up to my table. He really liked my work, asked me about why I create the pieces I do and how long they take to make and we chatted about it for a while, he took one of my business cards (which has my number) and before he left he told me he thought I was very pretty and had sexy lips. Definitely one of those moments that makes me consider the merits of polyamory.
And now the wrong one: A man in his 40s (I mention this to point out he was more than old enough to know better not because I have an issue with older guys, my boyfriend will be 39 in a couple months) kept repeatedly coming up to my table to talk to me about the most random things. I think in an attempt to find something I was interested in. Nothing in what he said was inappropriate but his persistence was (every 2-3 hours over 3 days). He kept returning after both I and my friend Dany made it very clear he wasn't welcome. I didn't report him but I was very close to doing so if his comments had elevated from annoying and random to sexual or otherwise upsetting in any way.
Okay so what in these two situations made them different? Are there times that comment about my lips would be inappropriate? Of course. However after chatting for a little while and gauging if the other person shows signs of interest (and I did, he was my physical type) is an okay time to do that. If some random guy, no matter how attractive, had sprung that on me cold it would not have gone over well. It's okay to hit on people at cons after having some interaction with them first and not using any pressure tactics (this means: don't corner them, stop if asked, and otherwise treat them as a human being and not meat). What is not okay is repeatedly approaching someone who is not interested and has no way to retreat, I was working my table I couldn't just leave the con (I was barely able to leave my table to eat and use the bathroom) because I agreed to be there the whole weekend and had several thousand dollars worth of merchandise with me.
It's frustrating to me that some people don't respect others enough to care whether the attention is wanted or not. I shouldn't have to worry about being harassed at an event where I am working and unfortunately regardless or whether an event has a harassment policy it's likely to happen. The difference is that when there is a harassment or conduct policy in place people who are harassed have a means of recourse. I'm glad my experience at PortCon was overwhelmingly positive and the negative bits didn't rise to the level of needing to involve the security staff but I was glad to know they were around and available. If I didn't have that assurance I'm sure I'd have felt a lot less safe even in such a crowded area as the Artists' Alley.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Christopher Maloney is a whiny quack
Naturopathy is pure quackery. It is an amalgam of dangerous alternative treatments mixed with some effective advice on nutrition. It is not medicine, it is not science, and it is not evidence based. If you want a good take down of why it isn't I direct you to this article on Science Based Medicine written by a real doctor.
Christopher Maloney is a naturopath here in Maine. He wrote a terrible article promoting pure nonsense for the treatment of flu and recommending against vaccination. Head over to Dr. Steve Novella's post on Neurologica for more on why his claims are not just useless but dangerous.
Apparently some years back my state got hoodwinked into allowing Naturopaths to call themselves doctors. On the grounds of that ridiculous law he (or someone supporting him, this is unclear) forced the shutting down of Michael Hawkins' wordpress blog when he called out Maloney and his useless treatments. Christopher Maloney is a quack. He is promoting unscientific nonsense that is an insult to real medicine to even be compared to it.
Also shame on Wordpress for this sort of censorship.
Christopher Maloney is a naturopath here in Maine. He wrote a terrible article promoting pure nonsense for the treatment of flu and recommending against vaccination. Head over to Dr. Steve Novella's post on Neurologica for more on why his claims are not just useless but dangerous.
Apparently some years back my state got hoodwinked into allowing Naturopaths to call themselves doctors. On the grounds of that ridiculous law he (or someone supporting him, this is unclear) forced the shutting down of Michael Hawkins' wordpress blog when he called out Maloney and his useless treatments. Christopher Maloney is a quack. He is promoting unscientific nonsense that is an insult to real medicine to even be compared to it.
Also shame on Wordpress for this sort of censorship.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Memories are Strange Things
It's funny how you can go months without thinking about someone. Then you find something they gave you and it hits you again that their gone.
When I was in college I was fairly briefly involved with a guy. Despite that it was pretty intense, Dave is the only guy I've been with who was as into BDSM as I am. One of the first times we met it was because there were plans for a play party around halloween. Not going to go into detail about the party or our relationship, those are memories I'm not ready to share and definitely not on a blog anyone can read. It was complicated in many ways and didn't last very long. We did remain friends afterwards though there were some uncomfortable moments.
Skip ahead a year and a half later, I had left college and drifted apart from my friends there a bit. Then I get an email saying he'd died. I'd never lost a friend before, never anyone my own age to have it be someone I had feelings for made it really hard. It's been 6 years but the pain can still feel fresh.
I came across the collar he gave me, just a play collar it was never meant to be significant, but it's the only thing I have that he gave me. It just brought it all back. Time doesn't heal everything, it makes the memories retreat back in your mind so they don't come out as often but when they do nothing has changed.
When I was in college I was fairly briefly involved with a guy. Despite that it was pretty intense, Dave is the only guy I've been with who was as into BDSM as I am. One of the first times we met it was because there were plans for a play party around halloween. Not going to go into detail about the party or our relationship, those are memories I'm not ready to share and definitely not on a blog anyone can read. It was complicated in many ways and didn't last very long. We did remain friends afterwards though there were some uncomfortable moments.
Skip ahead a year and a half later, I had left college and drifted apart from my friends there a bit. Then I get an email saying he'd died. I'd never lost a friend before, never anyone my own age to have it be someone I had feelings for made it really hard. It's been 6 years but the pain can still feel fresh.
I came across the collar he gave me, just a play collar it was never meant to be significant, but it's the only thing I have that he gave me. It just brought it all back. Time doesn't heal everything, it makes the memories retreat back in your mind so they don't come out as often but when they do nothing has changed.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Fun with Twitter
Last night Twitter had one of it's little hashtag memes going and I joined in. It was a lot of fun so here were my contributions to the #worldsthinnestbooks:
- "Correct Predictions" by Sylvia Brown
- "The Art of Blending in" by Lady Gaga
- "How to detect a fake autobiography" by Oprah
- "Understanding Evolution" by Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron
- 'How to run an investment firm" by Bernie Madoff
- "Introduction to Aristotelian Philosophy" by Jessica Simpson
- "Preventing Infectious Diseases" by Jenny McCarthy
- "Problems that can't be solved with explosives" by Adam Savage and Jaime Hyneman
- "How to have a successful marriage" by Elizabeth Taylor
- "Understanding Germ Theory" by Bill Maher
- "Successful Public Relations" by Fred Phelps
- "How to Invade Russia" by Napoleon Bonaparte
- "Answer to the Question of Life the Universe and Everything"
- "Successful Faith Healing"by Peter Poppoff and Benny Hinn
- "People God Loves" by Fred Phelps
- "Guide to Modern Psychiatry" by L Ron Hubbard, forward by Tom Cruise
- "How Homeopathy Works"
- "Altruism" by Ayn Rand
- "Landing a Probe on Mars" by the Russian Space Agency
- "Recording a Clean Podcast" by @GeorgeHrab
- "How Old is the Earth" by Ken Hamm
- "Winners of the JREF Million Dollar Challenge"
- "Contraceptives" by Michelle Duggar
- "Ethical Business Practices" by Kevin Trudeau
- Okay last one, dedicated to the SGU: "What I love about birds" by Perry D'Angelis
Monday, November 02, 2009
Stopping Fear and Misogyny
Recently a story was published in Wired magazine by journalist Amy Wallace titled "An Epidemic of Fear: How Panicked Parents Skipping Shots Endangers Us All". I've been vocal on Twitter for quite some time about my support for vaccination and I totally agree with Ms. Wallace and the vast majority of doctors and medical researchers that vaccines are safe, effective, and have probably saved more lives than any other medical advance. Vaccines wiped out the most horrific infectious disease of all time, smallpox, and has nearly wiped out polio.
This debate has recently become very personal to me and here is the reason why:
That adorable newborn is my nephew Joshua, as I'm writing this post he is a mere two weeks old. I shouldn't have to be scared that he'll contract whooping cough before he's old enough to be vaccinated. Unfortunately because of anti-vaccination fear mongering, based on faulty and anecdotal "evidence", mean that herd immunity is crumbling and he's in danger now.
It's also personal in another way. As I found out this week from Orac's blog (and reminded again by Dr. Isis) Amy Wallace has been the target of some really vile misogynistic attacks such as these:
This debate has recently become very personal to me and here is the reason why:
That adorable newborn is my nephew Joshua, as I'm writing this post he is a mere two weeks old. I shouldn't have to be scared that he'll contract whooping cough before he's old enough to be vaccinated. Unfortunately because of anti-vaccination fear mongering, based on faulty and anecdotal "evidence", mean that herd immunity is crumbling and he's in danger now.
It's also personal in another way. As I found out this week from Orac's blog (and reminded again by Dr. Isis) Amy Wallace has been the target of some really vile misogynistic attacks such as these:
I've been called stupid, greedy, a whore, a prostitute, and a "fking lib." I've been called the author of "heinous tripe."I've been the subject of this sort of attack myself and it generally rolls right off my back because it reflects more on the person writing them than it does on me. However it is a symptom of a disgusting aspect of our culture where insulting a woman's sexuality is often used to silence them. I don't want my nephew to grow up and see it as acceptable to do so. I know that his parents, grandparents, and I will teach him otherwise but we'd be blind to think there will not be other influences on him such as the media.
J.B. Handley, the founder of Generation Rescue, the anti-vaccine group that actress Jenny McCarthy helps promote, sent an essay title" "Paul Offit Rapes (intellectually) Amy Wallace and Wired Magazine." In it, he implied that Offit had slipped me a date rape drug. "The roofie cocktails at Paul Offit's house must be damn good," he wrote. Later, he sent a revised version that omitted rape and replaced it with the image of me drinking Offit's Kool-aid. That one was later posted at the anti-vaccine blog Age of Autism.
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