Empathy

I'm glad I keep this blog around for the rare times I need to write something in a longer format that doesn't belong on my other blogs. This is going to be pretty personal and about some stuff I don't discuss much with anyone, so here goes.

I have Aspergers, this is now considered just part of the autism spectrum with the new DSM but I think it's a handy descriptor for a certain subset of autism. Supposedly Adam Lanza, the shooter at Sandy Hook Elementary School, also had Aspergers (however after Aurora that was also being thrown around about James Holmes and turned out to be false so I'm taking it with a grain of salt until more reliable information is available). This has led to a mountain of misinformation about Aspies, especially about Aspies and empathy. Including claims that Aspies lack empathy entirely, which makes us out to sound cold and unfeeling. I've seen some blogs covering these mosconceptions already but I'd like to share the perspective from inside my head.

I do not lack empathy or emotions. In fact I can often be overly emotional about situations many people would brush off, for example hunting for silver garland for the Christmas tree at 7 different stores because the tree just wouldn't be right without it. If your cat dies I'm going to empathize and offer you hugs or ask how I can help. However unless you are actively crying in front of me I'm likely to not realize you're sad if you don't tell me.

The problem is that I'm not good at reading how other people feel without explicitly being told. I can learn how to read people with enough time, I do a pretty decent job with my parents and my brother because I've known them my whole life. The same goes for my best friend who I've known since we were both about 5 years old (25 years). The longer I'm with my boyfriend the better I am at reading his emotions but 3 years isn't really long enough, we still run into situations where we misread each others emotional states (he misreads me, like many people do, because I'm not always expressive in a typical manner and will shut down when I'm emotionally overwhelmed).

I like to be social, and I try but my inability to understand non-verbal cues can be a problem. For example, I don't know when people want a conversation to stop or when to let people in and I can go off on tangents. I try to focus as much as I can when having a conversation but it's difficult, especially when I'm in a place with lots of other people or background noise. One-on-one is easier. When I was in school (and had no idea why I was so different) I often coped by just not participating unless it was related to schoolwork, because I liked school and learning. I still would rather read about how chromataphores in cephalopod skin work than go to a social space like a bar.

I'm not good at verbally explaining how I feel, often I don't know how immediately and it can take a while for me to figure out why I'm feeling the way I do and be able to explain it. I can write it because it's just me and my computer with no time limit on working out my thoughts.

None of this makes me a violent person. None of this makes me dangerous. None of this makes me mentally ill. All it does is make my interactions with other people and the world a little bit different. If Adam Lanza had Aspergers it's not what made him shoot all those people. I don't know what the root of the level of rage he must have had to kill so many people was, we may never know, but don't make people like me the scapegoats for what is a problem with our culture. Aspergers exists all over the world, but the US sees the majority of killings like this. Why?

Right and Wrong ways to Hit on a Woman at a Con

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written in this blog. However I wanted to write about my experience at PortCon that has nothing to do with my art or jewelry and is related to the issues being discussed in the atheist/skeptic communities related to TAM and other skeptic cons. PortCon is not atheist/skepticism related, it's a gaming and anime convention in Portland, Maine. I was there this weekend participating in the Artists' Alley so this was a work situation for me though also very fun (and I made a lot of money).

Two contrasting things happened while I was working my table which are relevant to the discussion on harassment and proper behavior at cons. One is an acceptable way to approach a woman at a con and the other is a wrong way to do it. First the right one:

A man, around my own age or maybe a little younger, came up to my table. He really liked my work, asked me about why I create the pieces I do and how long they take to make and we chatted about it for a while, he took one of my business cards (which has my number) and before he left he told me he thought I was very pretty and had sexy lips. Definitely one of those moments that makes me consider the merits of polyamory.

And now the wrong one: A man in his 40s (I mention this to point out he was more than old enough to know better not because I have an issue with older guys, my boyfriend will be 39 in a couple months) kept repeatedly coming up to my table to talk to me about the most random things. I think in an attempt to find something I was interested in. Nothing in what he said was inappropriate but his persistence was (every 2-3 hours over 3 days). He kept returning after both I and my friend Dany made it very clear he wasn't welcome. I didn't report him but I was very close to doing so if his comments had elevated from annoying and random to sexual or otherwise upsetting in any way.

Okay so what in these two situations made them different? Are there times that comment about my lips would be inappropriate? Of course. However after chatting for a little while and gauging if the other person shows signs of interest (and I did, he was my physical type) is an okay time to do that. If some random guy, no matter how attractive, had sprung that on me cold it would not have gone over well. It's okay to hit on people at cons after having some interaction with them first and not using any pressure tactics (this means: don't corner them, stop if asked, and otherwise treat them as a human being and not meat). What is not okay is repeatedly approaching someone who is not interested and has no way to retreat, I was working my table I couldn't just leave the con (I was barely able to leave my table to eat and use the bathroom) because I agreed to be there the whole weekend and had several thousand dollars worth of merchandise with me.

It's frustrating to me that some people don't respect others enough to care whether the attention is wanted or not. I shouldn't have to worry about being harassed at an event where I am working and unfortunately regardless or whether an event has a harassment policy it's likely to happen. The difference is that when there is a harassment or conduct policy in place people who are harassed have a means of recourse. I'm glad my experience at PortCon was overwhelmingly positive and the negative bits didn't rise to the level of needing to involve the security staff but I was glad to know they were around and available. If I didn't have that assurance I'm sure I'd have felt a lot less safe even in such a crowded area as the Artists' Alley.