I'm glad I keep this blog around for the rare times I need to write something in a longer format that doesn't belong on my other blogs. This is going to be pretty personal and about some stuff I don't discuss much with anyone, so here goes.
I have Aspergers, this is now considered just part of the autism spectrum with the new DSM but I think it's a handy descriptor for a certain subset of autism. Supposedly Adam Lanza, the shooter at Sandy Hook Elementary School, also had Aspergers (however after Aurora that was also being thrown around about James Holmes and turned out to be false so I'm taking it with a grain of salt until more reliable information is available). This has led to a mountain of misinformation about Aspies, especially about Aspies and empathy. Including claims that Aspies lack empathy entirely, which makes us out to sound cold and unfeeling. I've seen some blogs covering these mosconceptions already but I'd like to share the perspective from inside my head.
I do not lack empathy or emotions. In fact I can often be overly emotional about situations many people would brush off, for example hunting for silver garland for the Christmas tree at 7 different stores because the tree just wouldn't be right without it. If your cat dies I'm going to empathize and offer you hugs or ask how I can help. However unless you are actively crying in front of me I'm likely to not realize you're sad if you don't tell me.
The problem is that I'm not good at reading how other people feel without explicitly being told. I can learn how to read people with enough time, I do a pretty decent job with my parents and my brother because I've known them my whole life. The same goes for my best friend who I've known since we were both about 5 years old (25 years). The longer I'm with my boyfriend the better I am at reading his emotions but 3 years isn't really long enough, we still run into situations where we misread each others emotional states (he misreads me, like many people do, because I'm not always expressive in a typical manner and will shut down when I'm emotionally overwhelmed).
I like to be social, and I try but my inability to understand non-verbal cues can be a problem. For example, I don't know when people want a conversation to stop or when to let people in and I can go off on tangents. I try to focus as much as I can when having a conversation but it's difficult, especially when I'm in a place with lots of other people or background noise. One-on-one is easier. When I was in school (and had no idea why I was so different) I often coped by just not participating unless it was related to schoolwork, because I liked school and learning. I still would rather read about how chromataphores in cephalopod skin work than go to a social space like a bar.
I'm not good at verbally explaining how I feel, often I don't know how immediately and it can take a while for me to figure out why I'm feeling the way I do and be able to explain it. I can write it because it's just me and my computer with no time limit on working out my thoughts.
None of this makes me a violent person. None of this makes me dangerous. None of this makes me mentally ill. All it does is make my interactions with other people and the world a little bit different. If Adam Lanza had Aspergers it's not what made him shoot all those people. I don't know what the root of the level of rage he must have had to kill so many people was, we may never know, but don't make people like me the scapegoats for what is a problem with our culture. Aspergers exists all over the world, but the US sees the majority of killings like this. Why?
